The Case for Emotional Validation

When Our Emotional and Rational Worlds Collide (Part 2)

What if you have a child who you know is intelligent and capable but does not apply himself when it comes to school. It doesn't affect his grades at first, but as he grows older, you see his grades declining which causes you to worry.

In this scenario, what are you more likely to do?

Would you: Assume the worst and believe that he is just being lazy and keep nagging him to study? Or Take the time to calm down when you feel frustrated by his behavior (or lack thereof), and have conversations with him about what you are noticing?

For most of us, because we are worried and want the best for our kids, we are going to be naturally inclined to react by assuming the worst, and nag or even yell at our kids to study, if we are the parent of the child described in the scenario. We are going to convince ourselves that this is a rational reaction, given the fact that we know our kids can do better if only their behavior matches what we know is their ability. We believe that we have to force our kids to change, even if they resist because that is what we need to do, to be “good enough” parents.

Would it be surprising then, to learn that this reaction is actually not as rational as we might believe and is more emotional in nature? If we were being rational, we would realize that we need to fully understand what was causing our child to avoid schoolwork before we jumped to any conclusions. While this approach would initially feel softer, which in our minds would automatically mean that it feels more emotional in nature, it would give us the opportunity to fully understand what is going on within our child, before we jump to trying to make our child “fix” what we think is the problem.

But how do we start the conversation? By being curious. If we let go of our own fears about being “good enough” parents, it becomes easier to have curiosity. Rather than assuming that our kids are “lazy”, try to assume instead that they want to be successful. And if this is true, then their behavior is a signal that something that is not within their control is blocking them from reaching their full potential. If we can believe this about our children, it becomes easier to collaborate with them and ask the questions that would help us to identify what this block is. A good place to start is usually asking about what they are feeling when it comes to school and grades, and what causes them to procrastinate when they know it leads to more stress.

Be aware that because our children are also prone to quickly label and assume the worst about themselves, their initial answers may be repeated “I don’t know”, or even worse, “I’m just lazy” or “I don’t care”. If our child responds in this way, it’s going to be extremely tempting to believe what they say and start lecturing about why it is bad to be this way. But our kids already know that being lazy is bad. If they are behaving in this way in spite of knowing this fact, they are doing so for other reasons. Remember that our children are only responding in this way because that is what they heard from us throughout their lives. We need to have more patience and give them the benefit of the doubt. They want to change their behavior, but there is an emotional barrier that is blocking them from changing. If we are consistent in our curiosity when talking to our children about this issue, eventually they will also become curious too, reflect more, and successfully identify the emotions or barriers that are causing them to avoid schoolwork.

It may be surprising for some of us when we eventually learn from our children after repeated conversations, that they have fears about not being a “good enough” student, or of “failing”. Because we are all too aware of their potential, we forget that it isn’t enough that we believe our kids are smart or can be successful if they apply themselves. In order for our children to take initiative on their assignments consistently, our children are the ones who have to believe that they are good enough. When we don’t bother to help our children figure this out, and jump to criticizing and nagging, it only causes our children to feel worse about themselves and weakens their belief in their ability. If they are constantly hearing us tell them they are lazy, why should they behave any differently? Our words have more power than we realize. We need to be mindful of this truth when we talk to our children about their areas of weakness.

And because their fears seem irrational, we'll probably react in a way that invalidates their feelings. We believe that we are being rational when we tell them they don’t need to worry like that, or tell them that they’d be successful if they worked hard. But is this accurate? Wouldn't it be more rational to take the time to sit down with our kids when they tell us of these fears, and work on helping them internalize our beliefs about them? Why are we expecting our children to change overnight, when it takes months or even years for us to make a change in our own lives? In these ways, we need to be aware that the way we react to our kids is not as rational as we may believe. In order to change our children's negative beliefs about themselves, we need to continue the dialogue that we just started with them about their fears, even if it takes a lot of time. And the best way to create openness in this conversation with our children is by providing emotional validation.

What is emotional validation? It is a way of showing our children that we get them, that we get why they are scared, with compassion (otherwise known as empathy with boundaries). The tricky piece here for some of us is feeling genuine compassion when we provide emotional validation. This can happen in part due to fears that providing validation could cause our children to believe that it is okay to be lazy, and we are agreeing with their behavior. But validation is not the same thing as agreeing. Emotional validation helps the other person feel that their feelings are okay to have. And it is only when our children feel that their feelings are accepted, that they will feel free to figure out what they need to do, in order to work through their fears. Without emotional validation, they will continue to struggle with the question of whether or not their fears make sense, or are okay to have, and even cause self-hate if they believe that these feelings make them weak. As parents, isn't it more rational, even if it may feel like we are being emotional when we are providing this, to provide the validation that will help our children to move onto the next step?

Once our children realize that we are truly trying to listen and understand their perspective, they will give us more clues to help us figure out what is causing their fears. Some children may worry about our emotions, which is another way of telling us that they fear the possibility of our rejection if they fail. Other children may worry that failing would emotionally crush them and believe that not putting in the effort would help them handle it better if they do fail. These children mistakenly believe that if they could tell themselves they didn’t work hard, then they can salvage what’s left of their confidence if they do potentially fail. Avoidance can also occur when our children have difficulty figuring out where or how to start assignments, due to feeling overwhelmed by the workload. And the list can go on and on from here. The point is to figure out the reasons together with your child because that is the most effective way to help them through these fears.

[Please keep in mind that if the fears are intense and don't seem to decrease despite your best intentions and efforts, it may be useful to find a professional therapist who will work with both you and your child.]

In these ways, it can be easy to assume that the first approach is more rational and helps our children to become tougher people, while the second approach is softer, weaker, and more emotional in nature. We may even believe that since we turned out fine even though we were raised with the first approach, that it makes more sense (and is therefore more rational) to do the same with our children. But is this really true? I questioned whether either approach was rational or emotional throughout this piece, in order to point out how the boundary between the rational and emotional can actually be much more complex and nuanced than we think. I hope that recognizing these nuances helps to raise awareness of our bias that tends to value being rational over being emotional. One is not better than the other and we all naturally have both qualities. So instead of polarizing these parts within us, why don't we try to accept that both can be useful in different ways?