On Respect

"Listen to Me!"

We all want to be heard and become frustrated and upset when we feel ignored. Sometimes, the lack of listening can lead to feeling disrespected, especially if the person who appears to not be listening is our child. Because listening seems to be such a simple request, we might not even realize it when we start to confuse listening with other components, like acting on our advice or not arguing with what we are saying. The issue of disrespect often becomes a prevailing theme in certain relationships when we expect listening to include these parts.

Let’s say a friend is worried about their job, or partner, and wants advice on what they should do about the situation. This is something that is a significant stressor on their lives, and they continue to talk about this whenever they see us over the course of several weeks. Because we care about this friend, and can see how much the issue is affecting them, we take the time to listen, over and over again, and suggest different perspectives and ideas to ease their stress level. We assume this friend will try at least some of our ideas since these are steps we would have naturally taken, if we were in their shoes. Because of the amount of time, energy, and care that we spent on these conversations, when we discover that our friend did not take action in the way we expected, we feel ignored and deflated. We might think we wasted our time and energy on this friend which can lead to feeling disrespected. We might believe that this friend didn't respect our time and energy because we assume that not trying our ideas is the same thing as not listening to us.

While it is normal to feel and think this way in the moment, what we miss if we focus too much on the fact that our friend didn’t act on our suggestions, is that our friend is the ultimate expert on their life, not us. No matter how much time we may have devoted to this friend and their concerns, it doesn’t compare to the level of time, worry and stress that this friend experienced or might continue to be experiencing. We also do not know why this friend chose to not take action. We might believe that this friend should quit their job, or break up with their partner, but our friend might need more time to really determine if these decisions are right for them. They might not feel as confident as we do, in their ability to find a better job or better partner, or there might be aspects of their job or partner that could still feel good enough for this friend to stay in for now. Assuming that our time and energy was disrespected because we feel like they aren’t listening to our well-intentioned advice could actually be a form of disrespect on our part; of not respecting our friend’s ability to know what is best for them.

This issue of respect becomes even more intense when we, as adults, work with children professionally or personally. We often complain that our kids are being disrespectful when they give us an attitude, which is usually some combination of talking back and rude body language when we tell them to do something. We forget that if our own parents or other older adults were to do the same to us, we would most likely not enjoy the experience either. Yes, we might not roll our eyes when in this situation, or stomp as we walk away from them when the conversation is over, but internally we would not love the experience of being lectured to or corrected. We might even do our own form of daydreaming during these conversations with our elders or superiors, which can look polite on the outside, but is not actually respectful on the inside. Given these examples, it might be worth rethinking and redefining what respect should look like. What we might actually want in this scenario is for our children to learn to be polite, even when they might disagree or be upset with us. Polite behavior and being respectful are not synonymous with each other. We can respect others and not always act in a polite manner, while we can be polite and actually be disrespectful.

If we can agree on these terms, how do we make sense of our kids' attitude and rude behaviors when we tell them they need to do their homework, organize their space, and put their clothes away in the hamper, before they are allowed to play their video games? While they are most definitely not being polite in this situation, it is unclear whether or not they are being disrespectful. What if their attitude and arguments against completing their chores is actually about having difficulty managing the feelings they have about delaying gratification or doing something they don't enjoy? It is natural to feel frustrated and exhausted to have to deal with their intense emotions around issues that are meant to be for their own good. At the same time, it is unrealistic to expect our kids to agree to all of our rules and guidelines and follow accordingly without any arguments, if our goal is to raise our kids to become independent thinkers. Questioning our rules results in rethinking why we set such rules, and can in turn bring into awareness of potential biases and blind spots we may have. And yes, this means we can no longer say: “Do it because I said so!” It does take effort and will feel costly, but will lead you to feel more certain and secure in your rules long-term if you do.

Despite knowing and understanding all of these points, it can still be difficult not to feel angry when people we care about do not seem to be listening to us, and even more difficult to not conflate listening with respect. It is not easy to change the beliefs we learned from the way we were raised. Many of us were probably raised to believe that obedience was a virtue and taught to not challenge those in authority, even when we might not agree. We probably also saw, if not experienced firsthand the anger that resulted when we did disagree, which taught us to blend fear with obedience, and obedience with respect. What we need to recognize is that when fear is used to make someone listen and act accordingly, the end result is blind obedience. If we want to have respect without fear, we need to give the emotional space for those around us to express their disagreement, and at times the freedom to choose differently from what we would have chosen. It is possible to have disagreements and even argue with someone with whom we respect, which can lead to a natural following of their rules if we decide their points make sense and are right for us. When this happens, the behavior might look obedient, but is completely different from blind obedience because we took the time to decide if this path is aligned with us.

Like any change, shifting our perspective on this issue of what respect is, will take time and effort. The same is true when it comes to revisiting our beliefs around the value of listening. I began this piece by questioning what listening means for us because we learned to devalue the power of what it feels like to actually be listened to within our society. I wonder if we would feel as disrespected or be as quick to feel like we wasted our time, if we trusted that being present and around to listen to our loved ones when they are going through tough times carried equal if not more weight, than the best advice could provide. I wonder how often our memories of truly feeling heard highlights the advice we were given in those moments. More often than not, it is the intangible that is much more powerful than the tangible. All too often, we value the tangible much more than the intangible. Both are needed and have value in different ways. Do we have to make one more important than the other? I don't believe we do.