On Emotional Responsibility
Where do We Draw the Line?
Many of us unfortunately had or have loved ones who criticized us for causing them emotional discomfort in some way. There is a wide range of behaviors that can cause discomfort, but at its root, it arises from not fitting into what they expected or wanted from us. This is why the criticisms feel deeply personal, and we internalize them as such. Because the ones criticizing us are those who are supposed to know us best, we believe that they must be right to find fault in us. This is why many of us who were criticized for our sensitivity, wish even as adults, that we could be different and blame ourselves for not being able to change. What we do not consider when we do this, is question whether taking on the responsibility to change a part of us in this way, was ours alone to bear.
When we tell our child to stop crying because we believe their emotional reaction is different from what we believe is normal, we assume we can react this way because we have good intentions. We want to prevent our child from being teased by other kids, or believe we need to toughen them up since we know the world is not kind to sensitive people. While this can be true, what we are also doing when we criticize them for expressing emotions they cannot help but feel deeply, is blaming them for being this way. Instead of trying to understand their emotional sensitivity, and teach them about the nuances of the situations that cause them to react intensely so that they can adjust, we teach them instead that they cannot be fully themselves if they want to be loved and accepted. It is our bias, not the world, that teaches our child that they will never be accepted for who they are.
This doesn’t mean that it isn’t okay to have biases. It is impossible to not have any because we weren’t raised in a vacuum or bubble. The key is to be aware of them because having awareness will decrease the intensity of the way we react when we are triggered by the bias. This is a powerful shift that changes our reaction from ‘What are you crying about? This isn’t a big deal,’ to giving ourselves time to breathe and get ourselves in the head space to be curious and ask questions about what happened. We stop reacting critically, which can make a huge difference in the way our child understands themselves. It is not their fault that we are triggered the way we are by their emotions, whether it be tears or anger, or any other emotion that causes us to feel discomfort when they express them. We are taking emotional responsibility for the impact we have in our dynamic with our child, when we learn to create distinctions like this one, between our emotional reactions and theirs.
When a loved one, who can be a friend, partner, or family member, repeatedly puts us in the position of repairing the relationship after a fight, most of us will do it without thinking twice. We might believe that we have to in order to maintain the relationship, and even worry that they will leave us if we do not. If we’ve been abandoned by other close people in the past, this threat alone will be enough for us to jump into survival mode and do whatever we need to in order to sustain the connection. We cannot afford to think about what the fight was about and whether we are to blame for their anger that caused it when we are in this mindset. We believe we do not have a choice in the matter, other than to listen to what they want. As a result, we take on the emotional weight of both parties within the relationship, instead of only being responsible for our part.
Figuring out what we are responsible for only becomes more complicated when we deeply love this person. It can be difficult to comprehend that love can be a completely different experience depending on the emotional capacity of the person who loves. Because we wouldn’t attack those we love with such intensity unless there was something significantly wrong, we assume this must be true in reverse. We look for reasons to find fault within ourselves, in order to ease the dissonance that occurs when our loved ones refuse to accept us the way we are. It can be unfathomable to accept that love can be so different that it can be used against us. To accept that our loved ones’ intentions when they criticized us, was in reality not meant at all for our benefit, can cause deep rage, hurt and feel devastating. At the same time, it can also be liberating to finally understand that their unhappiness was never our responsibility to fix. But because this type of relational dynamic is also not always clearly black and white, figuring out the nuances of what we are responsible for can be confusing. The following is provided as an outline to guide your own exploration.
On a basic level, emotional responsibility is understanding that causing discomfort in other people, especially in those we love, is a normal part of relationships. It means that we learn the distinction between accepting the kernel of truth that we did hurt a loved one, without accepting the burden of their rage that was unleashed at us in response. We can apologize for hurting them without internalizing the blame if the pain we caused was unintended. For times when we did intentionally hurt them, we can accept the blame without believing that we should forever be condemned. We understand that it is possible to express hurt and anger without screaming and sobbing. We learn that it is possible to feel frustrated at someone without criticizing and shaming them. We recognize that we did not fail when communication with the loved one dissolves despite our best efforts to try and explain our point of view. We learn to accept that one person cannot change a relationship for the better if the other person continues to deflect and refuse to take responsibility for their part. We can learn to accept that we can love this person and still leave because we recognize we cannot continue to do the work of two to maintain the relationship.
These are just two of many different dynamics that can arise within our relationships. My hope is that these illustrations open up a perspective that allows you to see the power you have, big and small, within all of your connections. Keep in mind though that with power comes responsibility. We have to be thoughtful about responsibility when we know we have more control and power within the relational dynamic. The last thing we want is to continue to deeply hurt the very same people we love the most because of our lack of emotional awareness. This is why the effort we put into keeping ourselves curious and open, when we are triggered by those we care about, is meaningful and valuable work. Thank you for continuing on this journey with me.