The Oxford Language Dictionary defines curiosity as a strong desire to know or learn something. When we get to know someone new, most of us will enjoy this period for the excitement it brings. We generally have an easier time being curious during this phase because we accept we don’t fully know this person yet. But at a certain point, this curiosity tends to fizzle out and the person becomes predictable. Many of us will usually enjoy the stability that can come with predictability but for some, this stability coincides with increasing feelings of boredom. Stability can trick some of us to believe there is nothing new to learn or experience with this person, so maybe we need to move on.
Either way, the issue that arises when we no longer feel curious about the other person, is that we mistakenly assume that we know everything there is to know. While again this belief that we know our partner might help us feel safe, it also causes us to jump to conclusions when we experience conflict in this relationship. We often view others through the lens of what we would have done when we are triggered, and when the other person doesn’t act in the way we would have, we assume they didn’t because they intended to hurt us. Or if this person is our child, we use this same lens and assume they did not behave in the way we would have at their age, because they meant to disrespect us.
Consider the housework scenario. If I am a person who generally has an easier time knowing where things go, and making decisions for meal prep, it will be difficult for me to fully understand why my partner keeps seeking my input when it is time for them to complete these tasks. I might believe that I’ve been patient enough with answering when my partner asked me questions when engaging in these tasks over time, so it is now time for them to just know what to do. It might also feel exhausting for me to answer the same questions day in and day out, and now when I am asked for guidance, it just feels like my partner is lazy and looking to take the easy way out. I don’t think about why these questions are being asked because I assume I already know the answer; My partner doesn’t care enough to bother remembering when I’ve answered these questions or provided guidance in the past.
As long as I believe in these assumptions, I will react critically. Criticizing will prevent me from realizing that below the anger and frustration, I feel hurt and disappointed in my partner for not wanting to help out. Because these assumptions feel so real, I wouldn’t think to check with my partner to confirm these beliefs. To make matters worse, because we already repeated the criticizing cycle for so long, we might believe that these assumptions are accurate due to the defensive way our partner reacts during the arguments. But the reality is that we cannot know the specific thought processes of someone that is not us, no matter how predictable this person might seem to us at this point in our relationship. Unfortunately, because criticism generates criticism, this cycle will shut down dialogue and prevent us from deepening our relationship when what we really want and need is the opposite.
If I really want to open up dialogue instead within this scenario, I have to create space within to acknowledge that my assumptions about my partner might not be completely accurate. I need to adopt a curious mindset and ask questions that are intentional about understanding my partner’s point of view. Instead of simply asking why, being concrete and specific about what happens in these moments can be helpful, like: When it’s your turn to cook, you keep asking me for my opinion on what you should make. Is there a reason for why you do that? While the initial reaction can remain defensive if your partner is anticipating criticism due to past conflict around the same issue, if you maintain your curiosity, your partner will ultimately respond in kind. Like criticism, curiosity can also generate curiosity. Because we care about each other, we are going to eventually mirror each other. You can set the tone rather than let someone else set it for you.
If I am successful at setting the tone in this way, I might learn that my partner is anxious about cooking the wrong thing, because I often responded negatively towards their meal ideas in the past. I might also learn that my partner is more of a perfectionist than I thought, which is why the occasions when I negated their ideas impacted them more than it would have impacted me. These conversations might also lead me to realize that I have set ideas of right and wrong on how to complete housework tasks, which causes my partner to feel criticized when I made comments on the way they were completing them. What began as a way to better understand my partner might lead to surprising insight into my beliefs around these same issues.
Adopting a curious perspective when trying to understand my child within a similar context can lead to comparable insights. I might learn that my child views and feels what I thought were simple corrections as criticism, which in turn caused them to avoid helping out with chores. These conversations might help me realize that my views on how housework should be completed were actually getting in the way of my child engaging with and learning how to manage these tasks. I might also realize that my fixation on completing these chores correctly, stemmed from my own childhood and the way I learned them from my own parents. If I remain open to this new information, I might remember that I had felt criticized as a child too, when I was corrected in the process of carrying out these chores.
The insights gained in both scenarios might initially cause me to feel criticized and blamed. But if I can recognize that their respective reaction is not meant to be personal, and is information for both of us to learn from, it can be easier to remain curious. Most importantly, this new knowledge reflects that the core issue wasn’t about not wanting to help out, and was instead about feeling insecure and fearful about not being good enough. Identifying the actual issue that was causing the conflict would not have been possible if the criticizing dynamic had continued. Now that the issue is brought out into the open, future conversations can be about why I believe there is a right way to complete tasks, or about why my partner or child feels criticized when I am just commenting or genuinely trying to show them there could be easier ways to do things. Curiosity changes the comments and questions we ask in these conversations and naturally shifts the focus to understanding, rather than accusing one another. Because the questions change, the responses change to intuitively match this shift.
Paying attention to your body when you feel criticized or are criticizing someone else also yields valuable insights. You’ll notice that in either situation, you will physically feel a feeling of pressure and tension in your head or somewhere in your body. Your facial expression and body language will also have changed to look as though you are in attack mode. But when we are curious, the pressure becomes replaced by a feeling of openness within you and the tone in the air between you and the other person will soften. You will naturally look and feel relaxed because you are genuinely looking for information, rather than assuming you already know it all. Assuming that we don’t know everything about the people we care about does not mean that we don’t know anything about them. We can know our loved ones enough to trust them and still not fully understand the specific thought processes or emotions they feel when we are in conflict. Accept this, and repeated conflict cycles that once felt like it will never change, can and will change.
We were frequently told that curiosity killed the cat when we were young, to keep us from asking too many questions, but the complete idiom is actually: Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. It can be initially risky to ask different questions as already described earlier because the answers might lead to insights that cause us to feel unexpectedly vulnerable. But like the idiom implies, riding out these initial emotions could lead to gaining stronger and deeper relationships with loved ones that would not have been possible otherwise. I invite you to try.
Wise words!
Thank you Esther! ^^