On Comparison
When Does "More" Become "Enough"?
Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you my friend’s child applied and got in this way...
My friend’s oldest got a job at a company that pays six figures…
My other friend’s youngest is already getting married…
There’s a Korean term for the friend’s child referred to in these statements: umma chingoo a-deul (meaning mom’s friends’ son) or umma chingoo ddal (meaning mom’s friends’ daughter). Korean parents compare their children so often in this way that there are shortened versions of this phrase that people who are familiar with the culture will automatically understand: um-chin-a or um-chin-ddal. This phrase is a combination of the first syllable of each word and can be understood as slang. When used, the implication is obvious - that we are not doing enough or generally not enough for our parents.
This pattern of comparing our children with other children unfortunately is not unique to Korea and exists across a wide range of cultures. Usually when parents say this, the intent is to motivate their child to be better, which on the surface can feel like it is not harmful. The reality though is that for those on the receiving end of these comments, it does not actually create motivation and instead creates fear. It creates a fear that we will be failing our parents if we do not work harder, and that we will not be accepted if we do not fit into the categories of what these others are doing. It can even create a pervasive belief that we are always less than, even when we are successful. Because it is our parents who caused us to believe that we have to compare to be better than those they compared us to, we unwittingly learn to believe that we have to always be productive and do more in order to be enough.
On the other end of the spectrum are those who end up accidentally finding out that these perfect sons and daughters are actually not as perfect as our parents led us to believe. When this happens, a feeling of betrayal leads us to rebel and do the opposite of what we believe our parents want. Or we might resist anyway, even if we don’t find out that there is no perfect other because the fear and high standard feel too difficult and impossible to achieve. We might even rebel because we intuitively sense that what our parents are doing when they compare is just wrong, even if we know on some level that the intention is not to hurt us. Whatever the reason, even if we resist, we are rebelling against comparison as a standard, which in turn puts us in a duality mindset of comparison being absolutely wrong and not comparing being absolutely right. We lose all sense of nuance in this conflict.
In order to regain a sense of balance and nuance around this issue, we need to first let go of the notion that either reaction is all bad or all good. It is helpful to have a sense of what is the norm, or typical as parents because we want to make sure we are doing the best we can in raising our children well. If we feel our child is developing at a rate that is not typical, figuring out what is blocking or slowing their growth when this happens is crucial, and we would not be able to do that if we did not know what to expect at each stage of our child’s life. The problem is that this belief that we are helping our children by comparing them to what is typical often becomes generalized and we increasingly compare them with children who seem to be doing better. Since there will always be others who accomplish more, or seem to be more driven than our own child, the standard of what was once typical becomes not so typical without us even realizing it at times. Out of a desire to make sure our children get the best out of their education, and a better life than we had, we begin to confuse love with greed.
The reason why I use greed here is because we become dissatisfied with our children as they are, when we become invested in this mindset. We lose the purpose behind why we initially compared. The purpose now is about wanting them to be the best versions of themselves, but that standard of best is set according to society’s or cultural standards of what success looks like, and is not focused on what is actually a good fit for our children. The central character when we compare in this state is these others that we compare our children against, and our children become secondary characters in their own story. At this point, we cannot fully see our children and blindly push them to do more, to become who we believe they need to be. What began as an act of love and care can change to greed in this way.
On a similar note, comparing ourselves with our peers can sometimes be helpful. It is useful to know what the norms are, because it can be a method of reassuring ourselves that we are doing enough when we have doubt, or lets us know when to seek support if we find ourselves struggling in certain areas. When we have parents who compare or have temperaments that are generally sensitive about feeling critiqued however, this useful habit becomes harmful. We develop a fear of falling behind, and constantly self-criticize to make ourselves work harder. Then if we don’t work harder even when we criticize ourselves, we increase the criticism because now we are also lazy and have no one else to blame but ourselves for feeling behind. But when we feel this way, we often do not have an objective reason for why we feel behind, we just do. The fear of the possibility of not being enough is pervasive, which makes it difficult for us to realize and figure out that we could redefine what success or enough means for each of us.
If we were to reset and begin from a framework of imagining that we are already enough, we might be able to separate ourselves from this fear. It is also true though that resetting could feel really difficult if we intensely lived with this fear for a long time. If you find it challenging to separate from your fears, consider if the issue is truly reflective of your self-worth. Are you truly a failure because you didn’t get that perfect job straight out of college or get married at 25 like you originally wanted? Maybe the problem isn’t you, but the goals you set for yourself at a younger age not being a right fit for you. We assume that our beliefs are realistic because we held onto them for a long time. But many of our beliefs are actually formed when we are young, before we really understand who we are and the realities of our world. If you always feel behind and find yourself self-criticizing because you’re stressed about not measuring up to those around you, it might be time to reexamine whether your beliefs about what you should accomplish at this age or who you think you should be, is truly reflective of who you are. A systematic update of these self-beliefs could give you a feeling of alignment that you wouldn’t feel if you continue the struggle of forcing yourself into a box that was never yours.
No goal should ever make you fear the possibility of being a failure if you don’t reach it. It is not settling or lowering your standards if you decide to revise your goals now because you can’t seem to reach your original standard. You are not a square, no matter how much you might believe you should be, if you are a circle. But you might not realize you are actually a circle because you were mistakenly compared against squares and triangles for most of your life. No shape is inherently better than other shapes and all shapes are needed and have value in our lives. When you find yourself or your loved ones comparing you against family members or other close people this holiday season, using this emotionally-neutral metaphor could help decrease the stress you feel in these moments. Nothing is more important than your belief in your self-worth. If it feels close to impossible to prioritize this truth when you think about yourself, please seek therapy or other professional support. Sometimes we need the support of others in order to learn to value ourselves.
You were. Are. And will be. Always Enough.