Wanting to please the people we care about ultimately stems from a desire for acceptance and belonging. These desires are normal and universal. But we don't like this part because of the role it plays in creating fear within, when we receive messages that make us inaccurately believe that we are not good enough to be completely and fully accepted. The intensity of this belief and the resulting fear causes us to lose sight of what we want, and focus more on what we think other people want from us. This naturally results in defining ourselves according to those around us, instead of being defined according to our own beliefs and truths. Because other peoples' standards are not something we control, this creates fear, and this fear constricts and prevents us from taking the time to deeply consider and define our own truths.
Case in point: The Sensitivity Question. When we mistakenly believe that it is bad to be sensitive, or be intense in the way we express emotion, we worry every time we feel like we reacted in a way that could have been “too much”. This can be especially stressful when we respond this way to an online or text message, because we are unable to automatically see or receive a response that lets us know we are safe. If this person is someone we care deeply about, the fixation on the potential negative repercussions of being perceived in a way we don’t want, can loom large in our minds…until we receive a reply that calms us down. While we are relieved by the reply, we spiral and repeat the same cycle when we are triggered again by this same insecurity. We cannot stay relaxed because fear continuously keeps us in a state of alertness, a yellow light if you will, so that it becomes easier to react if the situation becomes red. Unfortunately, what began as a sort of emotional security system meant to protect ourselves from harm, ends up directly causing harm to our sense of self over time.
To make matters worse, when we try to stop “people-pleasing”, we tend to fixate on wanting to be “true” to ourselves without being realistic about what this actually means. We start analyzing whether we are giving “too much” within our relationships, or believe that we should not care at all about what people think and self-criticize because we realize we are unable to not care. Sometimes, we even worry about not receiving in kind when we give, because we believe we could be perceived as being naive and easy to exploit. Either way, the focus remains on the external rather than the internal. The fear of rejection that caused us to fixate on acceptance without consideration of whether the people around us deserve our time, becomes replaced by a fear of exploitation. When this happens, we not only lose trust in our ability to handle the unknown or unexpected, we lose trust and faith in the human race as a whole. This is why it is crucial to shift the locus of control from others to the individual.
But it is also true that shifting the focus from external standards of "normal" to an individualized one is not easy. It can be confusing to figure out the distinction between the external and internal versions, since our own definition of being a “good enough” person can appear remarkably similar to what we were raised on as kids. In the case of being “too sensitive” or “too much”, we might want to change this part of ourselves to become “chill” or “relaxed” because we remember the pain that came with messages that taught us that expressing our sensitivity is not okay. We might have even felt jealous as a child when around those who are “chill”, because it looked like other people liked them more, or because we envied their ability to easily “go with the flow”. As a result, it can feel pointless to take the time to question the beliefs imposed on us by family, culture, or society, since our own standards aren't different.
I believe that exploring and identifying this distinction matters greatly however, if we want to live with less fear. Even if the resulting qualities that we want to strive for, like being more “chill” or “tough” seem similar, I would argue that it is not, if we strive for these qualities from a place of acceptance instead of fear. If we are able to accept our sensitivity, we wouldn’t spend as much emotional energy on being afraid of how others’ might react or take advantage of these parts. Spending less energy on worrying about potential rejection or exploitation, frees up emotional space within us and allows us to in turn, become less fearful of people. Less fear expands and relaxes us. This enables us to gain perspective on our relationships and might show us for the first time that this part is already accepted by the people in our inner circle. If these close relationships are more than a few years old, it might be safe to assume that they know about and love our sensitive parts too. We could already be safer than we realize.
The emotional safety that we feel due to the internal shift created from acceptance, makes it possible to analyze and specify what we really mean when we say that we want to be less “sensitive” or “tougher”. It is from this place of relative peace that we can truly become aware of the strengths that come with sensitivity and from feeling “too much”. Some of these strengths can be the ease in which we feel empathy and compassion for others, which in turn makes it easier for us to intuitively pick up on and know how to respond when those we love are in pain. Recognizing these strengths balances the negatives of these same qualities and further frees us from fear. Less fear creates a feeling of openness within us, and we become able to specify the aspects of our sensitivity that we want to change. We realize that we don't actually hate being sensitive, but what we want to be better at is being able to express this sensitivity appropriately, because we understand that nuances matter in different environments.
In this way, identifying our own reasons to act differently when with certain people or situations decreases the power that “others” take in our lives. Figuring out our own motivation to change or not change the parts that caused insecurity in the past, gives us more power and control because we are making decisions that are guided by our truth, instead of fear. When we consequently find ourselves giving more within certain relationships, or reacting in a way that matches the other person’s personality and needs without much thought, we can trust that we are doing so out of genuine love and care for these other people. You would know if you feel the external pressure to acquiesce within your relationships. You would feel the difference within you if you were acting this way out of fear in these moments. Even if the behavior looks the same, you will discover that it makes all the difference in the world when the motivation or intent driving it is not. Being self-aware builds internal trust and this trust allows you to be you, with all of your parts. We will always have some fear, but fear always becomes manageable when our sense of internal trust becomes stronger.
In this process, you will uncover an unexpected gift of finding it easier to set boundaries and step away when you realize that certain people are no longer right for you. Because you will know deep in your heart, that you truly deserve more.
A great post…your exploration of this subject was really helpful, Hannah, thank you 🙏
Thank you Esther. Always for your support. I truly appreciate you!